I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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