you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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