i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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