I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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