my phone cant type all the emotion im having
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
