drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
