I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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