Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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