Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
