We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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