...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
