was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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