Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
