does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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