Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
