Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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