for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
