I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
