I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
