my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
