Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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