you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
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he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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