Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
