now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
