If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
