wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
