It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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