five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
