I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My vagina just recognized that song.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
