hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize