Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
