Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
