I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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