Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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