apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
