I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
