Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
