and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
