i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
