you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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