I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
