Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
