Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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