I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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