so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
