My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
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if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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