so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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