Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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