Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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