I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
