Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
