Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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