mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
