So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
