Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
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That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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