How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
